Who is in Charge?

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"I am my own home" is probably a set of words that can explain my thoughts generally. I always imagine myself sitting inside a medium-sized wooden house with a big green yard, packed inside a towering brick walls I've built as my soul grows stronger by times.

A dynamic building process, from a fragile little rocks I collect to a massive concrete brick wall. Everything I did it on my own, based on what happened in life.

A change is clear, I like my change, everything I do to become a person who can stand on my feet and truly knows who I really am.

But some people take advantages...

Some people curse the change...

Not to mention all of them try their best to keep me in chain...

Them. Those people who are keen to invigorate their place in my yard, self-proclaiming that the yard is their place to stay in, therefore they can further say "Maira's yard is my yard". I've been corrupted in my own home.

While I constructing my wall, I tried to get these people away, but they won't stop, they keep trying to find a gap so they can tuck in again and again. Even in my slightest, smallest, unguarded condition, they breached the gap apart. How can you sleep at night safe and sound when you know there is someone who is not you, looking at you from your yard? I feel like...

Dominated,

Invaded,

Tamed,

Chained....

I feel like I got no rights to live myself freely in my own palace because these people keep violating my personal space. Not to mention wounding my sense of responsibility too.

In my yard, they urge me to serve them as a "guest" like I want them to come. I should babysit them like I'm in charge for unwanted guests. If I don't wanna do it, I must be responsible for everything I don't do

Their heartbreak,
Their gaslight,
Their prejudice...

What in the world I'm dealing with? Why are they still breaking my "NO" walls? Why should I took all the burden and whenever I told them they are my burden, they don't wanna hear. They just won't move.

A bet is set, now these people truly just want me stay.

One lost its purity, tried too hard to claim me with its artificial pureness
One living in its delusion, stressed me too tense with its gaslight features
One don't wanna see the future, neither to see the past
And everyone, Oh God, I can't even mention how much my properties have been taken..

And all, all of them pulled me from different direction it can tear my body apart. No, they don't care about how I am, about my yard, about my space. All they care is having me to own, when I don't want to and guess what? I don't think they care about my answer...

**

To you, the zombies, the sheeps; You CAN'T further declare you own someone just because you like them, you can't buy person's feeling by claiming what is not yours, trespassing their principle and call it "endeavor". Ignoring the warning signs without reading it and call it "courage". Therefore to force their feeling to accept you as a person who want to come in. A method has been made without complying that I'm also a human after all.

I do need support, but never have I ever ask you to go further beyond my line. I train myself for years to say "NO" but somehow saying no and act like I mean it don't really effective anymore when you lost your morale.

I want my yard and home clean with a strong concrete wall conserves it from the outside world. I want to have it neat until the right one comes without any denial in me. I want the one to be special and now this home is a mess and maybe the right one will never love it here. Hence I can just ask and ask: "Who is in charge of other's fault?" 

This post ironically will never change anything; What they do to me and the way people think of me as a player. They will still pull me apart like a bread, one will still terrorize me with every way possible, one will still claim me I'm the property. I can't do nothing, I'm lost and stressed.